The Sontaran Experiment

Note: The particularly revolting parts of this post are invisible, just highlight over them if your curiosity get's the better of you.
Right so last semester I had this "brilliant" idea to room with an acquiescence from high school. Unfortunately, in my desperation to room with someone that I knew in order to avoid a room mate like I had the first time around, I actually found a room mate who was worse. I had not though it possible but this individual contained absolutely no consideration. He would come in late at night drunk and switch on lights.
He quickly became known around the entire floor for singing late into the night, and I'm not sure if he's ever heard himself, but his singing voice sounds a bit like what I've always imagined the screams of the tortured in hell to sound like. Not to mention he was a complete and total slob with clothes and assorted bodily fluids and parts scattered all over his side of the room.
Well one day we got into an argument, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not a person who is easily angered, but for the first time in a long time I hit that point. So I ended up yelling, nothing physical, just me screaming for a bit. Well he went off sulking for a bit and I received the following email soon after.
"Dear Michael Behr,

You have told me in the past that it was extremely difficult to get you angry, and that only a few people have successfully been able to push you to becoming close to angry. Unfortunately, today I have become one of the people who was able to push you to becoming close to angry. All of the shenanigans that I do are purely out of immaturity and in no way shape or form was meant to be a weapon of malice against your tolerance or sanity. The things I say about you, your mother, and other things originates from my desire from wanting to have a conversation. Usually I am able to joke around and become "bros" with every guy I meet, but it is rather difficult with you. I can sense that you are truly annoyed by my antics and it frightens me that I was able to get you close to being angry today. There are many things that obviously we both cannot tolerate, but some of those things cannot be helped. Whether or not it is within our power to do something for the convenience for the other seems to escape us as we annoy one another. Soon the ambiance is magnified to such an extent where the atmosphere is dominated by that of a selfish, egotistic child (not directed towards you completely). Thinking abut college I have always wanted my roommate to be my friend, my pal, my bro. I know absolutely nothing about you, but that is alright, as you know absolutely nothing about me. Speaking honestly Michael, I really wanted to have a random roommate. Back in high school I could not say no to your offer and disappoint you. HONESTLY, I did not even know I would end up going to Penn State, I assumed I would get into one of the ivies and end up there, so I could care less whether or not I said yes or no to your offer. Speaking sincerely, If I had known that I would end up in Penn State (which I love very much) then I believe that I would have rejected your offer so that I could broaden my horizons and fully experience college by having a stranger as my roommate. Whether or not the stranger becomes my bro, my rival, my simple roommate, or my enemy is all part of the college experience. I feel as if our friendship is jeopardized by my selfishness and I apologize for that. Attached to this e-mail is the "Direct Room Exchange Form" where we can swap roommates. I have taken the liberty of checking eRoomExchange and there are many gentlemen who are wiling to exchange rooms. If it comes down to it, I will be the one to move so that your convenience is not effected. If you do not want to swap, then in order to preserve our "relationship" (notice I did not say brothership or friendship) then I shall present to you a choice:
1) We can be friends.
   - I have tried my best to becoming you friend but you are very close-minded. Whatever it is that happened in the past you cannot let shackle your life. If you do so, then you are      letting the negativity bind you. We can live together and be bros. Be open to each other, jack off to porn comfortably in eachother's presence, Have the lights on at night, be loud, not plug in headphones, etc.

2) We can be roommates.
   - I will go in and out of the room, not speaking to you, or asking for favors. We will be roommates until the next semester or year, but that is all we will be - roommates. I will not take your water, use your television without permission, step on your side of the room unless it is to exit or to throw out a piece of garbage, and basically not do anything that affects you without your permission. If you want to talk, then I will speak back to you, but I will not initiate any conversation with you if I see that you are busy or simply not in the mood. I will not come into close contact to you as to interfere with your comfort zone. I will simply be another man in the room (it may not be the same as friendship, but I have tried the friendship route and it has backfired against me). Finally, you do not have to look out for me, as I am just your roommate and whatever I do is my responsibility that you can disregard. You no longer have to lie for me about my drinking habits. We are not brothers, so it is not necessary for us to help one another.

Whatever choice you pick I am perfectly fine with.

If you choose to still be my roommate (if you reject the exchange proposal) and go along with either choice 1) or choice 2) listed above, then we will need to develop a system of laws as to not drive one another to insanity. I sincerely apologize Michael, I really did not want to send you this e-mail but it cannot be helped. I have spoken to Mr. Frank before moving up here and even he predicted that we would not be compatible for each other because he stated that I am way too dynamic of an individual for your conservativeness. I am way too liberal for your static aura. Mr. Frank advised me to refrain from sending you this e-mail saying that it could jeopardize our friendship, but I believe that we are mature and civilized enough as to not hold grudges against each other. You may reply to this e-mail or simply speak to me once I get back to my dorm.

Cheers,
Your Roommate,
Michael Tran"


Now call me crazy but the whole email seems as though it is framed to make me appear to be the bad guy. Some parts of it particularly creep me out (see invisible part of option 1) and frankly the idea that he felt the need to send an email (and later get the RA involved) instead of just confronting me face to face really pissed me off. So when he came back I told him he could move out. Naturally this had been his bluff to get sympathy from me for his insane antics, so he got all mopey for a bit. Needless to say he never moved out and we continued to live with each other for the remainder of the semester.

The rest of this post will be up tomorrow.